|
Post by LuLu on Dec 6, 2010 1:53:52 GMT -5
Success is:
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a drivers license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money. At age 50, success is having money. At age 60, success is having sex. At age 70, success is having a drivers license. At age 75, success is having friends. At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 7, 2010 4:56:33 GMT -5
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 7, 2010 4:58:51 GMT -5
Moose Hunting
Paddy & Mick, two retired old geezers, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. "Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick," Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, " I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 7, 2010 5:00:53 GMT -5
Did Anyone See My Face?
A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you."
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 8, 2010 5:58:45 GMT -5
The Smart Pig?
A travelling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him. “Excuse me sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?” asked the salesman. “Well sonny, I’ll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did.” “Wow, that’s really amazing,” said the salesman, “but I still don’t know why the pig only has one leg.” “Well I’ll tell ya,” said the farmer. “One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!” “Well that’s really great but why does the pig only have one leg?” “Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him all at once.
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 8, 2010 6:05:46 GMT -5
What's For Sale?
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well, only two left."
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 10, 2010 0:01:54 GMT -5
The Old Rancher:
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 10, 2010 0:04:52 GMT -5
The Freudian Slip:
Two old geezers, Bill and Bob were shooting the breeze. Bill sez, "You ever made a Freudian slip?" Bob sez, "What's that?" Bill: "Well, I'll give you an example. The other day I was at the airport, and the woman at the airline counter was quite well endowed. I meant to say, 'I'd like two tickets for Pittsburgh. But it came out, 'I'd like two pickets for Tittsburgh.'"
Bob: "Ahh, gotcha Bill. That happened to me this morning. My wife and I were having breakfast, and I meant to say, 'Dear, could you please pass the marmalade.' But it came out, 'You old hag, you're ruining my life.'"
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 11, 2010 1:18:31 GMT -5
Lost Wives
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guys says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter none son.... let's look for yours first."
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 11, 2010 1:19:33 GMT -5
Be Careful
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a thirteen-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing thirteen years ago, I would have a seat today."
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 12, 2010 1:03:37 GMT -5
Clever Old Man
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral of the story: Old men can still think fast.
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 12, 2010 1:04:55 GMT -5
The New Baby
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year old mother says, "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 13, 2010 2:37:04 GMT -5
The Tooth Fairy
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 13, 2010 2:39:47 GMT -5
Almond Treats
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches on. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, “Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?” “We can't chew them because we have no teeth,” she replied. The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?” The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Dec 13, 2010 2:47:58 GMT -5
My Son the Veterinarian
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $2,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $2,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" ?He?s a veterinarian," she answered. "That's a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.
|
|