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Post by LuLu on Nov 7, 2010 16:23:33 GMT -5
THESE ARE THE 3 LITTLE OLD LADIESYou might remember them from The Hey Martha days of course.. Well some of ya do and some don't.. They are kickin up their heels now and feeling younger now telling jokes they hear.. Some from church and well some not from church. Of course its the nice ones that don't come from church y'all. gigglesDon't make it dirty now! Remember now these are : The 3 Old Ladies giggles ;D
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Post by LuLu on Nov 7, 2010 16:42:49 GMT -5
3 Old Ladies Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
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Post by LuLu on Nov 8, 2010 20:39:45 GMT -5
“Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat and flashed them. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But,Tilly, being older and feebler, couldn’t reach that far.” Yeah, you’re supposed to laugh now…
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Post by LuLu on Nov 9, 2010 15:16:36 GMT -5
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. MORAL: Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
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Post by LuLu on Nov 10, 2010 4:06:06 GMT -5
Two elderly women, Mildred and Hazel, were out driving in a large car, barely able to see over the dashboard. As they're driving along to the grocery store, they approach an intersection. The light is red, but Mildred just drives on through, not hesitating for a second. Bewildered, Hazel thinks to herself "I must be losing it. I could've sworn we just drove through a red light." A few minutes later, they come up to another red light. Again, Mildred drives right on through. Hazel is alarmed, but is still not sure if she's imagining things. At the next intersection, however, Mildred drives through another red light, prompting Hazel to turn to her friend. "Mildred, are you aware that we just ran through three red lights in a row?" Mildred replies: "You know, I noticed that too!" Hazel, flabbergasted, stammers, "You could have gotten us both killed!" Mildred turns to her slowly, and says, "Me?! I thought you were driving!"
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Post by LuLu on Nov 11, 2010 12:21:19 GMT -5
A Little Ole Lady In Court Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no! That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a b***h!
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Post by LuLu on Nov 12, 2010 18:29:36 GMT -5
A sweet elderly woman was returning home from a Thursday mid-week service at her local church. As she unlocked her door, an intruder startled her. She caught the man in the very act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, 'STOP! Acts 2:38!' The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer handcuffed the man to take him to gaol, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was quote a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'I thought the lady had an axe and two 38's!' Biblical Footnote The Book of Acts Chapter 2, Verse 38 says : Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven
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Post by LuLu on Nov 13, 2010 5:36:02 GMT -5
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said 'Screw the Preacher!'
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Post by LuLu on Nov 14, 2010 14:02:48 GMT -5
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. " The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap." The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?" Never fool around with a Little old lady!
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Post by LuLu on Nov 16, 2010 1:36:06 GMT -5
The little old lady had her son and his family living with her. John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The little old lady just looked at him in shock and didn't say a didn't say a not one word.. The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. The little old lady just got up and walked away! She was scared to death of what the robot would to if she opened up her mouth...
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Post by LuLu on Nov 17, 2010 3:51:59 GMT -5
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and ashe got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.' The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.' 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog. 'There should be a bowl by the pump.' They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered. 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.' Soooo... Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile. You are all welcome at my water bowl anytime!
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Post by LuLu on Nov 17, 2010 20:10:57 GMT -5
How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my get up and go has got up and went. But in spite of it all I am able to grin when I recall where my get up has been. Old age is golden-so I've heard it said- but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed, with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup, my eyes on the table until I wake up. Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself, "Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?" And I'm happy to say as I close my door, my friends are the same, perhaps even more. When I was young, my slippers were red, I could pick up my heels right over my head. When I grew older, my slippers were blue, but still I could dance the whole night through. But now I am old, my slippers are black, I walk to the store and puff my way back. The reason I know my youth is all spent, my get up and go has got up and went. But I really don't mind when I think, with a grin, of all the grand places my get up has been. Since I have retired from life's competition, I accommodate myself with complete repetition. I get up each morning, and dust off my wits, pick up my paper and read the "obits". If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead, so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed
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Post by LuLu on Nov 18, 2010 12:10:52 GMT -5
A little old lady goes to the dentist. she is very nervous and the dentist noticed so as the the little old lady lays back on the chair the dentist tries to ease the tention. He asks the little old lady "do you know how latex gloves are made?" the little old lady doesn't say anything so he continues. "Well at the glove factory they have four guys, they all have different sized hands. there sizes are x-large, large, medium, and small. The guys dip there hands into a large pot of liquid latex and then walk around until it dries." the little old lady did not say a word or even smile. a little while later while the dentist was in a very important part of the work the little old lady busts out laughing. the dentist looks at her with an odd look and asks "what?" The little old lady says " I was just picturing how condoms were made!"
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Post by LuLu on Nov 18, 2010 13:10:22 GMT -5
Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. 'Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking,' she said in a clear voice strong.. 'I didn't mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK,' I explained to her. 'Have you ever looked at your hands,' she asked. 'I mean really looked at your hands?' I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making. Grandma smiled and related this story: 'Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. 'They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child, my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. 'They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. 'They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. 'These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of God.' I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God.
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fyre
Full Member
Posts: 140
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Post by fyre on Nov 18, 2010 15:45:02 GMT -5
Old Lady - Television Interview There's a story told about an elderly lady in Arkansas. The state voted to increase welfare payments to indigents. Hoping for a tear-jerker story, a television interviewer went into the back hills where many welfare recipients lived. The old woman he chose to interview lived in a one-room shack: draughty in winter; stifling in summer. Her bed was a few rough planks nailed together, with a pine-needle mattress. A couple thin blankets, and a fireplace, did little to protect her from the cold. Her furniture, a table and two chairs, were fashioned from the same rough wood as her bed. Some shelves held a few cans of food from the general store, a three mile walk down the road. Several jars of preserves and a few squash completed her larder. She had no fridge or freezer. The fireplace provided heat for cooking. With no phone or television her only connection with the outside world was an old radio that pulled in two or three local stations on a good day. The old woman had one convenience, running water. A crystal clear stream gurgled a short distance behind her home. A small garden near her back door provided fresh vegetables during the summer, and some squash and turnips for the winter. A tidy flower garden brightened the front of her house. The television crew arrived and set up their big expensive cameras. Their mobile station broadcast pictures of the woman and the place she called home. Eventually the interviewer asked the old woman, "If the government gave you $200 more each month, what would you do with it?" Without hesitation the woman replied, "I'd give it to the poor."
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