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Post by LuLu on Nov 19, 2010 12:28:15 GMT -5
An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful. For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes. After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
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Post by LuLu on Nov 21, 2010 3:43:36 GMT -5
An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"
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Post by LuLu on Nov 21, 2010 4:11:18 GMT -5
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.
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Post by LuLu on Nov 22, 2010 19:06:40 GMT -5
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
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Post by LuLu on Nov 22, 2010 19:37:43 GMT -5
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon." "Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the oldwoman. "That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
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Post by LuLu on Nov 24, 2010 0:10:56 GMT -5
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor. "O.K,." says the medic, "Let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
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Post by LuLu on Nov 24, 2010 1:02:40 GMT -5
The Hunting Lodge One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just shit my pants." The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"
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Post by LuLu on Nov 25, 2010 0:33:31 GMT -5
3 Old Ladies from FloridaG-RatedThis is a detective story ... So Pay Close Attention!!!Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely... mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base? Think! Think some more!! You're gonna love it ... Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!
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Post by LuLu on Nov 25, 2010 1:18:29 GMT -5
Two sweet little old ladies were standing outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One lady pulled out a condom with the end cut off, pulled it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, “What’s that? “A condom. “Condom? I never heard of it. Where’d you get it? “Oh, you can get them at any drugstore. The next day the second lady walked into the drugstore and said to the pharmacist, “Give me a pack of condoms. He looked a little shocked, but politely asked, “What brand? Oh, it doesn’t matter, she replied, “just as long as it fits a Camel! … The pharmacist fainted.
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Post by LuLu on Nov 25, 2010 1:56:15 GMT -5
THE 3 OLD LADIES WANT TO WISH YOU A HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!!
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Post by LuLu on Nov 26, 2010 3:14:10 GMT -5
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost? “Only one kiss per yard, “ replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine, replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and packaged the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill.
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Post by LuLu on Nov 26, 2010 3:36:08 GMT -5
An old couple is in a taxi in America.
The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"
The old man replies "From Yorkshire"
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"
The taxi driver says "I've been to orkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever."
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "I think the driver knows you!"
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Post by LuLu on Nov 26, 2010 17:36:04 GMT -5
A man walking through a park notices an old lady sitting on a bench crying her eyes out. He feels bad and stops to ask her what's wrong. She sobs, "I have a gorgeous 24 year old husband at home. Every morning, he makes passionate love to me, and then gets up and brings me breakfast in bed." Puzzled, the man says, "Lucky lady! Well, then why are you crying?" Wiping tears off her cheeks, she replies, "For lunch, he makes me my favorite -- homemade tomato soup and a grilled cheese -- and then he makes love to me all afternoon long." Still confused, the man asks, "That sounds wonderful. What could possibly make you so sad?" Between gasps for air, she replies, "For dinner he take me out to finest restaurants, pays for everything, and then takes me home to a night of unbelievable lovemaking." Exasperated, the man asks, "Well, why on earth are you crying?" With a look of utter despair, the lady bawls, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Post by LuLu on Nov 26, 2010 17:55:33 GMT -5
Grandma changed
In the dim and distant past When life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam, They could always call on Gram. But today she's in the gym Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net, Sending some e-mail or placing a bet. Nothing seems to stop or block her, Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
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Post by LuLu on Nov 27, 2010 1:46:21 GMT -5
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names. The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago.
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