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Post by LuLu on Nov 28, 2010 11:39:46 GMT -5
The Atheist and the Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...'
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:
'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light.
'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.'
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Post by LuLu on Nov 28, 2010 12:17:38 GMT -5
Family
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.” The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.” “Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yes, my wife…”
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Post by LuLu on Nov 29, 2010 2:52:16 GMT -5
Good times in the rest home
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
( NOW I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, THAT'S FUNNY!)
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Post by LuLu on Nov 30, 2010 12:30:04 GMT -5
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
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Post by LuLu on Dec 1, 2010 5:04:43 GMT -5
The census taker knocked on Miss Kimball's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?"
"Certainly." "Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.
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Post by LuLu on Dec 1, 2010 5:11:47 GMT -5
Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get. One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.
His wife was pretty pissed about his decision. Jon, you moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you know.
He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again.
Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.
He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, You weren't gone very long.
That's right.
You went off the porch again, didn't you?
Yes, I did.
We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there.
Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!
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Post by LuLu on Dec 2, 2010 4:35:09 GMT -5
Elderly Physician
A bank teller watched an elderly physician write a check at the local bank. He had a very perplexed and confused look on his face.
When asked what was wrong, the physician looked down at his hand which contained a rectal thermometer and said, I was just trying to remember where I left my pen.
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Post by LuLu on Dec 2, 2010 4:40:28 GMT -5
Doctor's Office
The reception area of the doctor's office was filled to capacity, but the doctor was working at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and headed for the door.
When everyone stopped talking to look at him, he announced, I guess I'll just go home and die a natural death.
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Post by LuLu on Dec 3, 2010 4:20:53 GMT -5
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met one day in the social center, and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening and afterward Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle.
Maude was thinking: If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose!
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Post by LuLu on Dec 3, 2010 4:23:57 GMT -5
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, YOUR NEXT.
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Post by LuLu on Dec 4, 2010 4:30:27 GMT -5
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!
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Post by LuLu on Dec 4, 2010 4:43:25 GMT -5
I am retired police officer. The most embarrassing moment of my life happened when I was still on the force.
On the weekends, during the early morning day shift, things were always very slow. It was customary for several of the local cops to get together at a local donat shop (where else?) and consume vast amounts of coffee.
One such morning I had had about 5 cups of the brew at the donut store, before I drove to my beat. As you can imagine, I had a call of nature. And it was urgent!
Unfortunately there were no bathrooms nearby, just a closed portion of a freeway that had been under construction for the last 10 years. The location was fairly secluded, out of public view.
There was an opened portion of a full eight-lane freeway overhead. The two opposing sides of that freeway were separated by a large open area, approximately 20 feet wide and 100 feet high. It was impossible for anyone driving up there on the freeway to see anyone down below, so I felt I had the privacy I needed to do "my business."
I parked my patrol car in the area below the opening, and with great haste I answered the call of nature. I used to take great delight in pretending that a certain part of my anatomy was a "fire hose." And while I was standind there, relieving myself, I was proud to see I could spray my "hose" a great distance. I was even making sounds, pretending to be a fire truck.
When I was finished, I zipped up and began to walk to my car. I heard a voice yelling: "Officer! Officer!"
I looked around, but couldn't see anyone in the immediate vicinity. I was puzzled. Again I heard the voice: "Officer! Officer!"
I kept looking around... nobody there. Then I glanced upward, and saw a young man and his attractive wife standing in the center of the divider portion of the open freeway overhead. They were looking down at me, waving!
The man yelled: "Officer, we ran out of gas. Could you use your radio and send us a tow truck?"
With all the dignity I could muster, I inquired if they needed regular or unleaded gas. I noticed that the wife had a very amused grin on her face. I realized that they had been watching me the whole time while I had been doing my "fire hose" routine! Not wanting to disturb me, they had patiently waited until I had finished playing fireman.
Normally there was no way to see me down here from inside a passing car up there, but after running out of gas, these people had leaned over the little wall of the center divider and looked down for help.
It was a one in a million chance that they had run out of gas at this location and I was down below playing Fireman Bill!
I was so humiliated! Good thing they weren't any closer or they could have seen that my face was about the same shade red as a fire truck. Oh well, it could have been worse. It could have been a bus load of Nuns.
Needless to say, I never played "Fireman Bill" again in this location.
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Post by LuLu on Dec 5, 2010 12:47:59 GMT -5
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are three old ladies -- two in the front seat and one in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
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Post by LuLu on Dec 5, 2010 12:58:24 GMT -5
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community
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Post by LuLu on Dec 6, 2010 1:14:59 GMT -5
TWO OLD PEOPLE
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man: "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample!" The old man says: "What?" So the doctor yells it: "I need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says: "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
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