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Post by LuLu on Dec 14, 2010 4:33:33 GMT -5
Funeral Arrangements
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
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Post by LuLu on Dec 14, 2010 4:34:46 GMT -5
Fashion Police
Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas with a group from the Senior Citizen Home couldn't seem to make it with any of the ladies. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"
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Post by LuLu on Dec 14, 2010 4:35:38 GMT -5
Only 24 hours to live
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."
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Post by LuLu on Dec 15, 2010 0:52:07 GMT -5
He's gonna do what?
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa. The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So, they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?
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Post by LuLu on Dec 15, 2010 0:56:20 GMT -5
Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."
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Post by LuLu on Dec 15, 2010 1:04:27 GMT -5
The Fantastic Weekend
A white haired, old man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" "I'll pay by check, but of course you would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday". Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. " You crazy ole man, you lied, there's no money in that account" "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"
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Post by LuLu on Dec 16, 2010 1:24:47 GMT -5
Don't Force Men to Shop
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women; she loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart :
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least ..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards, Wal-Mart Patti Barber, Office Supervisor IAccounting Unit, Behavioral Health Services
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Post by LuLu on Dec 16, 2010 1:41:36 GMT -5
Golden Years
The Golden Years
I cannot see I cannot pee I cannot chew I cannot screw
Oh My God What can I do
My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell! My mood is bad - can you tell? My body's drooping Have trouble pooping The Golden Years has come at last The Golden Years can kiss my ass.
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Dec 16, 2010 16:27:10 GMT -5
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Post by LuLu on Dec 17, 2010 3:07:46 GMT -5
Nursing Home Cop
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh, no, not the Breathalyzer again!"
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Post by LuLu on Dec 18, 2010 5:17:08 GMT -5
Celebrating Their 35th
A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said; "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.
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Post by LuLu on Dec 18, 2010 5:21:16 GMT -5
Warm, Soft, & Gooey
A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.
The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"
The man replies, "No, I left it at home."
The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."
A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.
The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"
And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."
Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."
A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.
The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."
The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Dec 18, 2010 8:03:30 GMT -5
( [glow=red,2,300]&[/glow]) here's what 'i' think of that joke!
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Post by LuLu on Dec 18, 2010 13:00:50 GMT -5
You Called Me?
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Dec 18, 2010 14:41:13 GMT -5
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!" &... he's only 58 wait'l he gets to be 65
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