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Post by LuLu on Dec 19, 2010 3:41:52 GMT -5
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Guliani in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important.
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Post by LuLu on Dec 19, 2010 4:01:02 GMT -5
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Dec 19, 2010 8:39:46 GMT -5
There th'm aaaaold ladies are 'i' wondered where could they be? 'i' looked evrwhr , but thm 'i' did not see but when 'i' back to page #1, 'i' saw all 3 ;D ;D "u'll never NO! how happy that made me
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Post by LuLu on Dec 20, 2010 0:24:31 GMT -5
Going for a Test Drive
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" Before they become extinct...
The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, The seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership... Damn guy had no sense of humor.
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Post by LuLu on Dec 20, 2010 0:32:56 GMT -5
THE THREE OLD LADIES This here is the 3 Old Ladies! Did ya miss them?
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Dec 20, 2010 13:48:28 GMT -5
This here is the 3 Old Ladies! Did ya kiss them? WHOO NO!
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Post by LuLu on Dec 21, 2010 2:49:34 GMT -5
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense" The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Dec 21, 2010 8:24:22 GMT -5
Three Old Ladies
Oh, dear, what can the matter be Three old ladies locked in the lavatory They were there from Monday to Saturday Nobody knew they were there
The first one's name was Elizabeth Porter She went in to be rid of some overdue water And she stayed there far more than she ought to And nobody knew she was there.
The second one's name was Elizabeth Pomphrey She went in and made herself comfy Then she said: "Girls, I can't get my bum free." And nobody knew she was there
The last one's name was Elizabeth Carter She was known as a world renowned farter She went in and played a sonata And nobody knew she was there.
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Post by LuLu on Dec 22, 2010 1:53:36 GMT -5
10 Finkers
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in da Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2010 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" Ole says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
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Post by LuLu on Dec 22, 2010 1:59:11 GMT -5
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
" I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids."
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Dec 22, 2010 6:37:11 GMT -5
This old 'lady' is expressing herself to the other two old ladies not in the picture:
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Post by LuLu on Dec 23, 2010 1:49:57 GMT -5
Ya I been told I am number 1 before to ya know.. She's such a sweet old lady isn't she? Wow! And telling them they are both number 1!!
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Post by LuLu on Dec 23, 2010 1:51:34 GMT -5
Mechanic v Doctor
Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Dec 23, 2010 7:59:34 GMT -5
'i' did 'my' good deed for the day; 'i' found 3 Old Men for the 3 Old Ladies, 1 st 'i' sent'm to the doctor to make sure they were mentally stable: Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday." Their shy! but 'i'll try to get a picture for the 3 Old Ladies. LuLU what R 'U' doing on a website where 'i'm looking for three old men? Here's 1, 'i' don't know whos kid it is: # 2 Ths'ins for 'U' Lu Lu
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Post by LuLu on Dec 24, 2010 1:22:40 GMT -5
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
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