Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Jun 10, 2011 6:37:55 GMT -5
Michelle Knows Best, episode 26: “Campaign Mode”
[Note: Below is the twenty-sixth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, scroll down or click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
May 1, 2011
We join Michelle and Barack in a conference room at General Electric headquarters in Fairfield, Connecticut. CEO Jeffrey Immelt had offered the facility to the President’s inner circle of campaign advisers. The group counts among its members some of the greatest minds associated with the current administration. They are meeting to brainstorm strategies to be used in the 2012 presidential campaign. The atmosphere is tense as Jim Messina, manager of the campaign, calls the meeting to order.
JIM MESSINA
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much … [man at other end of conference table is frantically waving his hand] … It looks like Kevin Jennings, head of the Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools, wishes to be recognized.
KEVIN JENNINGS
Jim, aren’t you forgetting something? Don’t you remember our conversation from last week?
JIM MESSINA
[frowning] Oh, yeah. Let me start again. Ladies, gentlemen, and the transgendered …
KEVIN JENNINGS
That’s better.
MICHELLE
Can we get on with this already?
JIM MESSINA
With pleasure, Michelle. It’s no secret that we have a tough campaign ahead of us. Right-wing fanatics have infiltrated across the board; every time you turn around, some teabagger is lurking in the wings. Not to mention Donald Trump. So we have to be smart, and we have to hit ‘em hard.
BARACK
That’s right, Jim. If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun.
MICHELLE
[rolling her eyes] How many times are you going to use that line, already?
BARACK
If it works, dear, it works. Anyway, I like it.
MICHELLE
All right then, so what is our “gun”?
TIMOTHY GEITHNER
That’s easy. Strike where they’re most vulnerable: the economy.
JEFFREY IMMELT
But the economy is dragging. People are fed up.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER
Precisely. We remind them what the problem is. Bush created it; we’ve been toiling night and day to fix it, but the Republicans in Congress and at the state level have keelhauled us. Once again, they are the party of NO.
BILL AYERS
Forget that small-time nonsense! [bangs his fist on the table] We have to stop the capitalist machine, once and for all! This can’t go on! The people are suffering, the revolution …
MICHELLE
Okay, okay, Bill, we get the idea. Let’s hear some practical suggestions.
BILL AYERS
Sure, I’ll give you one. We organize a march—millions of people—on Wall Street, demanding the end of capitalist exploitation of the masses. [his eyes light up] Yes, I can see it now! First the stock exchange. We’ll rip it apart! Then we’ll burn down the offices of Merrill Lynch, J. P. Morgan, and Goldman Sachs …
BARACK
Uhh … Bill … uhh … Goldman Sachs is the largest contributor to the campaign. [nervous chuckle from studio audience]
BILL AYERS
[crestfallen] Oh … I see … Okay, then, we’ll just wreck the stock exchange, head north, and burn down pig headquarters.
BARACK
Bill, I love it. [leans back in chair, smiling] You haven’t changed a bit since that day at your house in Chicago, when we launched my career in politics. You know, I ….
MICHELLE
Barry, we need to talk strategy.
BARACK
Sorry, dear.
REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT
You want strategy? I’ll show you strategy! The black man is groaning under the yoke of the white man, and all you folks can talk about is the economy. Well sure, when the economy gets better, who benefits? White people, of course. [looking at Michelle] Have you forgotten your African-American brothers and sisters?
KEVIN JENNINGS
… and the transgendered.
REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT
Oh shut up with that already! What you do with those queer dandelions is your business, but right now we’re talking liberation of the oppressed. Ever notice how the gay, lesbian, and transgendered are all rich white people? Get out of my face.
BARACK
Easy now, Jeremiah. We can help each other. That’s what politics is all about.
JIM MESSINA
Let’s get back to practicality. What should be our next major announcement to the American people?
NANCY PELOSI
I know! Let’s roll all the issues into one swift action. Racism, the economy, the environment, everything. Flatten the Republicans before they can get out of the starting gate.
MICHELLE
[with scowl] Okay, genius, how do we do that?
NANCY PELOSI
We say that our plans have been foiled by Congress, Wall Street, and greedy corporations, all headed almost exclusively by—what a coincidence—white men. Let’s call a spade a spade! [covers mouth with hand in gesture of embarrassment] Whoops, I didn’t mean that. [wave of laughter from studio audience] … Anyway, it’s time to replace the war-mongers who are an obstacle to all our programs aimed at healing the country, and the world for that matter. Yes, just replace them!
BILL AYERS
I’m down with that. Stick it to the man!
JIM MESSINA
Sounds interesting. But how will it be accomplished?
NANCY PELOSI
All CEOs and elected officials will have to pass a special sensitivity test. In addition to multiple-choice and essay questions, we’ll wire them up to measure responses of the nervous system, and then show them pictures of oppressed people. Some could be gender-oppressed, or racially oppressed, or they’ll be Muslim clergy, or kids with Down syndrome … oh, wait, that’s no good, it’s connected with what’s-her-name … So anyway, you get my drift. If the person starts to get hostile when looking at the pictures, bamm, it’s all over. Fired on the spot, to be replaced by someone with a high score, someone sensitive and caring.
BARACK
Nancy, that’s fantastic. Where did you get that from?
NANCY PELOSI
[blushing] Nobody; it’s my own little idea.
BARACK
Well, dear, what do you think?
MICHELLE
Not bad, but can we add obesity as part of the test?
JEREMIAH WRIGHT
Wait a minute! Some of our people are, well, you know, a bit overweight.
MICHELLE
That’s okay, we’re not measuring the people themselves, just checking their reactions. The pictures can be of some fat redneck at a church event in Texas.
BARACK
Okay, Jim, call a press conference to announce the new program, and then write it up and feed it into my teleprompter. The magic is back! We are the people we’ve been waiting for!
JIM MESSINA
Yes, sir, will do. This meeting is officially adjourned.
AL GORE
Hey, wait! We didn’t talk about New York being underwater … Stop … Where are you all going …
[Note: Below is the twenty-sixth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, scroll down or click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
May 1, 2011
We join Michelle and Barack in a conference room at General Electric headquarters in Fairfield, Connecticut. CEO Jeffrey Immelt had offered the facility to the President’s inner circle of campaign advisers. The group counts among its members some of the greatest minds associated with the current administration. They are meeting to brainstorm strategies to be used in the 2012 presidential campaign. The atmosphere is tense as Jim Messina, manager of the campaign, calls the meeting to order.
JIM MESSINA
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much … [man at other end of conference table is frantically waving his hand] … It looks like Kevin Jennings, head of the Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools, wishes to be recognized.
KEVIN JENNINGS
Jim, aren’t you forgetting something? Don’t you remember our conversation from last week?
JIM MESSINA
[frowning] Oh, yeah. Let me start again. Ladies, gentlemen, and the transgendered …
KEVIN JENNINGS
That’s better.
MICHELLE
Can we get on with this already?
JIM MESSINA
With pleasure, Michelle. It’s no secret that we have a tough campaign ahead of us. Right-wing fanatics have infiltrated across the board; every time you turn around, some teabagger is lurking in the wings. Not to mention Donald Trump. So we have to be smart, and we have to hit ‘em hard.
BARACK
That’s right, Jim. If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun.
MICHELLE
[rolling her eyes] How many times are you going to use that line, already?
BARACK
If it works, dear, it works. Anyway, I like it.
MICHELLE
All right then, so what is our “gun”?
TIMOTHY GEITHNER
That’s easy. Strike where they’re most vulnerable: the economy.
JEFFREY IMMELT
But the economy is dragging. People are fed up.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER
Precisely. We remind them what the problem is. Bush created it; we’ve been toiling night and day to fix it, but the Republicans in Congress and at the state level have keelhauled us. Once again, they are the party of NO.
BILL AYERS
Forget that small-time nonsense! [bangs his fist on the table] We have to stop the capitalist machine, once and for all! This can’t go on! The people are suffering, the revolution …
MICHELLE
Okay, okay, Bill, we get the idea. Let’s hear some practical suggestions.
BILL AYERS
Sure, I’ll give you one. We organize a march—millions of people—on Wall Street, demanding the end of capitalist exploitation of the masses. [his eyes light up] Yes, I can see it now! First the stock exchange. We’ll rip it apart! Then we’ll burn down the offices of Merrill Lynch, J. P. Morgan, and Goldman Sachs …
BARACK
Uhh … Bill … uhh … Goldman Sachs is the largest contributor to the campaign. [nervous chuckle from studio audience]
BILL AYERS
[crestfallen] Oh … I see … Okay, then, we’ll just wreck the stock exchange, head north, and burn down pig headquarters.
BARACK
Bill, I love it. [leans back in chair, smiling] You haven’t changed a bit since that day at your house in Chicago, when we launched my career in politics. You know, I ….
MICHELLE
Barry, we need to talk strategy.
BARACK
Sorry, dear.
REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT
You want strategy? I’ll show you strategy! The black man is groaning under the yoke of the white man, and all you folks can talk about is the economy. Well sure, when the economy gets better, who benefits? White people, of course. [looking at Michelle] Have you forgotten your African-American brothers and sisters?
KEVIN JENNINGS
… and the transgendered.
REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT
Oh shut up with that already! What you do with those queer dandelions is your business, but right now we’re talking liberation of the oppressed. Ever notice how the gay, lesbian, and transgendered are all rich white people? Get out of my face.
BARACK
Easy now, Jeremiah. We can help each other. That’s what politics is all about.
JIM MESSINA
Let’s get back to practicality. What should be our next major announcement to the American people?
NANCY PELOSI
I know! Let’s roll all the issues into one swift action. Racism, the economy, the environment, everything. Flatten the Republicans before they can get out of the starting gate.
MICHELLE
[with scowl] Okay, genius, how do we do that?
NANCY PELOSI
We say that our plans have been foiled by Congress, Wall Street, and greedy corporations, all headed almost exclusively by—what a coincidence—white men. Let’s call a spade a spade! [covers mouth with hand in gesture of embarrassment] Whoops, I didn’t mean that. [wave of laughter from studio audience] … Anyway, it’s time to replace the war-mongers who are an obstacle to all our programs aimed at healing the country, and the world for that matter. Yes, just replace them!
BILL AYERS
I’m down with that. Stick it to the man!
JIM MESSINA
Sounds interesting. But how will it be accomplished?
NANCY PELOSI
All CEOs and elected officials will have to pass a special sensitivity test. In addition to multiple-choice and essay questions, we’ll wire them up to measure responses of the nervous system, and then show them pictures of oppressed people. Some could be gender-oppressed, or racially oppressed, or they’ll be Muslim clergy, or kids with Down syndrome … oh, wait, that’s no good, it’s connected with what’s-her-name … So anyway, you get my drift. If the person starts to get hostile when looking at the pictures, bamm, it’s all over. Fired on the spot, to be replaced by someone with a high score, someone sensitive and caring.
BARACK
Nancy, that’s fantastic. Where did you get that from?
NANCY PELOSI
[blushing] Nobody; it’s my own little idea.
BARACK
Well, dear, what do you think?
MICHELLE
Not bad, but can we add obesity as part of the test?
JEREMIAH WRIGHT
Wait a minute! Some of our people are, well, you know, a bit overweight.
MICHELLE
That’s okay, we’re not measuring the people themselves, just checking their reactions. The pictures can be of some fat redneck at a church event in Texas.
BARACK
Okay, Jim, call a press conference to announce the new program, and then write it up and feed it into my teleprompter. The magic is back! We are the people we’ve been waiting for!
JIM MESSINA
Yes, sir, will do. This meeting is officially adjourned.
AL GORE
Hey, wait! We didn’t talk about New York being underwater … Stop … Where are you all going …