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Post by LuLu on May 18, 2013 23:02:42 GMT -5
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, b itch?"
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Post by LuLu on May 19, 2013 23:12:26 GMT -5
A Man Goes into the Job Center in downtown Denver and sees an ad for a gynecologist’s assistant. Interested, he asks the clerk for details.
The clerk says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and rub soothing oils into their private parts so they’re ready for their examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana.”
"Good grief,” exclaims the man. "Is that where the job is?"
"No sir,” syas the clerk. “That's where the end of the line is right now.”
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Post by LuLu on May 20, 2013 23:51:26 GMT -5
A Guy Walks Into a Hillbilly Bar and orders a white wine.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada. I’m a taxidermist.”
The barkeep asks, “what in tarnation is a taxidermist? You drive a taxi?”
“No. I mount animals,” the guy explains.
The bartender grins and yells to his patrons, “It’s OK, boys – he’s one of us!”
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Post by LuLu on May 21, 2013 22:18:42 GMT -5
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”
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Post by LuLu on May 23, 2013 0:20:35 GMT -5
A boy is sitting on a park bench when he sees a man with a strangely tiny head walking his way. The boy asks, "Sir, why do you have such a little head?"
The man answers with a story, "One day when I was younger, I was fishing at the end of the dock and I got a huge bite. To my surprise, when I pulled in my catch it was a beautiful mermaid, and she told me she would give me anything I asked for it I let her go free..."
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Post by LuLu on May 23, 2013 22:07:49 GMT -5
Crap Joke
Two flies are sitting on a pile of poop, and one fly farts. The other on looks over and says, “Do you mind? I’m eating!”
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Post by LuLu on May 24, 2013 23:04:27 GMT -5
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.”
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.”
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?”
The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
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Post by LuLu on May 25, 2013 23:32:06 GMT -5
How did Pinocchio discover that he was made of wood?
His right hand caught fire.
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Post by LuLu on May 26, 2013 22:43:28 GMT -5
Slide ‘em, Cowboy
A cowboy tells another, “that bull nearly killed me, partner, charged at me like a locomotive!”
“How’d you get away?” asks the other cowboy.
“He slipped, and I jumped the fence.”
“Man, I would’ve crapped all over the place.”
“I did! What do you think that bull slipped in?”
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Post by LuLu on May 27, 2013 22:48:20 GMT -5
Full-Metal Granny
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a Texas highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration. When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.
He asks, "Ma'am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?"
She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
"Jesus, lady," says the cop. "What are you so afraid of?"
The old lady looks him in the eye and says, "Not a thing."
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Post by LuLu on May 27, 2013 22:52:18 GMT -5
Full-Metal Granny
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a Texas highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration. When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.
He asks, "Ma'am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?"
She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
"Jesus, lady," says the cop. "What are you so afraid of?"
The old lady looks him in the eye and says, "Not a hing."
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Post by LuLu on May 28, 2013 23:23:37 GMT -5
Close Call...
One man calls emergency:"Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"After five minutes, the same man calls back:"Don't worry, I found another one.".
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on May 29, 2013 4:40:07 GMT -5
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Post by LuLu on May 29, 2013 22:55:53 GMT -5
An Old Fart Goes to Confession and says, “Father, I’m 82, and I just slept with two women.”
The priest says,” Say three Hail Marys and all will be forgiven.”
“I don’t know the Hail Mary,” the old man says. “I’m not Catholic.”
“Then why are you telling me?” asks the priest.
“Telling you?” the guy says. “I’m telling everyone!”
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Post by LuLu on May 30, 2013 23:04:43 GMT -5
A Fair Deal Lawyer
“Mr. Clark, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce-court judge says, “and I’ve decided to award your wife $775 a week.” “That’s very fair, Your Honor” the husband says. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send a few bucks myself.”
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