|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 8, 2013 9:34:03 GMT -5
Old People Football
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 9, 2013 14:41:22 GMT -5
Farmers Market
One day a redneck farmer goes to farmers market and asks "Do you have any donkeys"
"Yes, but we call them asses" the man replies.
"Ok, I'll take one" says the farmer "also I need a rooster, have you got any"
"No" replies the man "but we do have some cockrells. Will that do."
"Sure" says the man "Gimme one of those also"
When he arrived home he found that both his new animals were being quite troublesome.
He called his wife and said "You bend down and grab my cock, while I slap my ass"
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 10, 2013 13:05:15 GMT -5
Johnny Farts
The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."
Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."
The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."
Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.
The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"
Johnny says " I have a question."
OK lets hear it, says the teacher.
Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "Well no they don't."
Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!!!"
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 11, 2013 0:20:37 GMT -5
The little girl and the bird
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 12, 2013 17:00:25 GMT -5
Shopping Expedition
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 12, 2013 17:12:14 GMT -5
Shopping Expedition
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 13, 2013 0:48:19 GMT -5
Drunken Man
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 14, 2013 2:15:39 GMT -5
Redneck Children
"You've just had your twelvth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?"
"Phil"
"But you named the last eleven phil"
"Yeah its great. I say phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner."
"But what if you only want one of them?"
"Oh! Then I call them by thier last name."
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 15, 2013 0:56:02 GMT -5
A Quickie Please
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 16, 2013 1:24:44 GMT -5
Blonde Mother
There are three moms. .
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 17, 2013 0:15:17 GMT -5
I Don't Think So!
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment.
He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 18, 2013 0:13:41 GMT -5
Johnny's Camp Trip
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 19, 2013 0:16:56 GMT -5
Last flight
This one time three men, a French guy, an Italian guy and a Mexican where on a budget airline flight. So budget in fact that the plane doesn't land at their destination, they must jump.
Two hours into the flight the French guy was tired of waiting, so he stuck out his hand to see where he was, "Were in France" he yelled, "I can feel the Eifel Tower" and he jumped home.
Three hours after that the Italian guy stuck his hand out the window and said, "Yeah, We're in Rome, I touched the Collisium!" and he exited the plane.
Another few hours later the Mexican guy stuck his hand out the window and said, "At last, I must be in Mexico, because someone's just stole my watch"
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 20, 2013 0:08:19 GMT -5
The Birds and The Bees
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really *uck, I've got nothing left to live for!"
|
|
|
|
Post by LuLu on Mar 21, 2013 0:01:37 GMT -5
|
|
