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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Aug 16, 2012 6:47:39 GMT -5
Happy Birthday to you.....he he he
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Post by LuLu on Aug 16, 2012 11:01:19 GMT -5
Whose birthday is it old man?
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Post by LuLu on Aug 16, 2012 11:25:34 GMT -5
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Post by LuLu on Aug 17, 2012 13:16:11 GMT -5
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Post by LuLu on Aug 18, 2012 1:58:09 GMT -5
LOOKING GOOD
My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.
I think I might never put my glasses back on
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Post by LuLu on Aug 19, 2012 1:02:39 GMT -5
AT THE BAR THE OTHER NIGHT
An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Post by LuLu on Aug 20, 2012 0:33:55 GMT -5
THE RETIREMENT HOME
A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.
The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.
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Post by LuLu on Aug 21, 2012 0:54:39 GMT -5
THE SPEED DEMON Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to a maximum speed on the long corridors. Everybody tolerates each other, and some of the men have actually been known to join in. The other day, Ethel was speeding up a corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched, "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, mam." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"
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Post by LuLu on Aug 22, 2012 2:19:00 GMT -5
GOD'S IMPROVEMENT
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago.
"Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
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Post by LuLu on Aug 23, 2012 18:23:30 GMT -5
TRAILER PARK RETIREMENT, A CHILD'S VIEW
After the spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One youngster offered the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a nice big brick house. But, grandpa got retarded and they moved to Floriduh. Now they live in a place with lots of other Grandmas and Grandpas. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around in huge tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a big building called the wrecked center. They must have fixed it because it looks pretty good now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At the gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man who sits in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes though, they do manage to sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
Grandma used to bake cookies and other neat things, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night, "Early Bird," whatever that is. Some of the people can't get past the old man in the dollhouse. So the ones that escape bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says that I should work hard so I can also be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the old man in the dollhouse. Then I'll let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
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Post by LuLu on Aug 24, 2012 2:07:31 GMT -5
RETIREMENT, A WIFE'S VIEW
A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement:
"Twice as much husband on half as much pay."
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Aug 24, 2012 14:55:36 GMT -5
2 X H =1/2 + $ X 2
X = H
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Post by LuLu on Aug 24, 2012 19:34:12 GMT -5
GRIM FAIRY TALE
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and -abracadabra! the husband was 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men are ungrateful idiots, Fairies are female!
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Post by LuLu on Aug 25, 2012 1:13:00 GMT -5
CREATION STORY
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long, suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So, God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
SO: That is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Aug 25, 2012 7:00:41 GMT -5
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APHORISMS FOR THE YEAR...
It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party
When blondes have more fun,do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten."
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."
The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they
would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.
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