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Post by LuLu on Aug 1, 2012 20:32:32 GMT -5
A man left a note for his wife and it read:
To My Dearest Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When the man came home later that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dearest Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that though it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
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Post by LuLu on Aug 2, 2012 11:37:24 GMT -5
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Post by LuLu on Aug 3, 2012 16:30:13 GMT -5
Lost Toupee
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised as, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harrassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harrassed!"
This time he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats, and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you??"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side."
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Post by LuLu on Aug 5, 2012 14:43:06 GMT -5
Farmer
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads "WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!
The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Aug 6, 2012 8:03:05 GMT -5
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.
She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
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Post by LuLu on Aug 6, 2012 12:10:53 GMT -5
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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Post by LuLu on Aug 7, 2012 11:40:33 GMT -5
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Post by LuLu on Aug 8, 2012 13:02:56 GMT -5
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Post by LuLu on Aug 10, 2012 2:03:57 GMT -5
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Post by LuLu on Aug 11, 2012 16:51:01 GMT -5
Really Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
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Post by LuLu on Aug 12, 2012 11:53:18 GMT -5
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of £50 notes out of his wallet.
He turns to the rich man and says to him,
"I have an amazing talent: I know almost every song that has ever existed."
The rich man laughs.
The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok how about my daughters name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller."
The rich man goes home poor. The poor man goes home rich.
Can you name that song?
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Post by LuLu on Aug 13, 2012 12:53:06 GMT -5
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Post by LuLu on Aug 13, 2012 12:56:20 GMT -5
Two zebras pondering
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
Oops ! Did I say that?
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Post by LuLu on Aug 15, 2012 23:37:40 GMT -5
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Aug 16, 2012 6:45:09 GMT -5
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of £50 notes out of his wallet. He turns to the rich man and says to him, "I have an amazing talent: I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it." The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok how about my daughters name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller." So! The rich man goes home poor. The poor man goes home rich. Can you name that song? |
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