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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on May 30, 2011 19:46:13 GMT -5
I know its the truth because I just made it up.
A doctor from Israel says:
"In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man's testicles, we put them into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work".
The German doctor comments: "That´s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".
A Russian doctor says: “That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work”.
The US doctor answers immediately: That's nothing colleagues, you are way behind us . . . . in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls . . . . . we made him President and now the whole country is looking for work!!!!!
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Jun 3, 2011 15:54:40 GMT -5
SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.Oprah said 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'
George said,'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.
Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'
George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said,'You can really do it again at your age?'
George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, again Oprah was beside herself joy.
She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time.. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'
George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me 30 minutes.'
Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'
George said, No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet. !'
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Jun 12, 2011 7:53:58 GMT -5
[shadow=red,left,300]HA>>HA>>HAW![/shadow] if you believe that, bid on my yacht!
If 'U' have the (((high))) bid i'll send 'U' the picture right after recieving the money.
O!, did 'i' forget to tell ya, 'i' forgot above to write picture after yacht, so bid high if 'U' wanta own it!
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Jun 14, 2011 6:45:25 GMT -5
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so
easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but
there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Dec 21, 2011 7:44:48 GMT -5
A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her
husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewlery store we went into
5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we
could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.
His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.
He said, well I'm in the bar right next to it.
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Apr 9, 2012 8:57:06 GMT -5
*Polish Divorce*
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange
a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and
asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand...
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom....I can read, and it say:
*~~~Polish Remover~~~*
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Apr 18, 2012 11:21:31 GMT -5
The Truth About Men and Women:
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Jun 2, 2012 7:06:34 GMT -5
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL MEN ARE WELCOME!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls - do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.
Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 5. Health watch - bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 6. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.
Topic 7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.
Topic 8. Learning to live - basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.
Topic 9. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 10. How to fight cerebral atrophy - remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Jul 8, 2012 5:39:46 GMT -5
A Big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer dro ve up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and Take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get on his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
I love this part..........
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Jul 8, 2012 5:41:30 GMT -5
One day, Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room
to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser
and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little
wink and a smile as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He
opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little
Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?!"
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Post by LuLu on Jul 8, 2012 10:06:33 GMT -5
LITTLE JOHNNY: A DAY AT THE ZOO
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Jul 29, 2012 7:07:58 GMT -5
.
An elderly couple from Indiana were pulled over for speeding in Ohio. She was hard of hearing and sometimes chose to not wear her hearing aid.
Trooper:“ You were going pretty fast back there sir, can I see your license and registration?”
Woman:“What did he say, what did he say?”
Man:( LOUDLY)“He said he was pulling over out-of-State folks today, to welcome them to Ohio and to check their paperwork, dear!”
Trooper:“What’s your hurry today, sir?”
Woman:“What did he say, what did he say?”
Man:(LOUDLY)“He said it’s a nice day for a drive, dear!”
Trooper: Handing back Indiana license to the man.“Indiana, huh. Worst piece of azz I ever had was there, sir!”
Woman:“What did he say, what did he say?”
Man:(LOUDLY)“He said he thinks he knows you, dear!”
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Post by LuLu on Jul 29, 2012 17:32:02 GMT -5
 An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars? |
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Post by LuLu on Jul 30, 2012 13:54:12 GMT -5
The old man and the hunter .jpg) An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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Post by LuLu on Jul 31, 2012 14:00:16 GMT -5
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping
Holmes wakes Watson and says, "Look up and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says, "I see so many stars and planets. I deduce that there might be life out there."
Holmes replies, "No Watson. Someone stole the tent."
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