" J * o * k *e * s "

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

A Texas redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.



Upon arriving, The Nurse says "Congratulations, your wife has had quints, 5 big ____ [she left out] baby boys."

The Redneck thrusts his chest and says, "I'm not surprised, I have a pekker on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

It doesn't take much to entertain this guy..


.....................

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

One weekend Joe was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance, Rolly. They loaded up Rolly's truck and headed into the mountains. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard as they approached the foothills.

They pulled into a nearby farm. An attractive retired woman answered the door. Joe and Rolly asked if they could spend the night.

"I know that it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I" know that the neighbors will talk and tell the world if I let the two of you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Joe replied. "The two of us will be happy to sleep in the barn. Once the weather breaks, we will be out of here immediately headed for the mountains." The woman agreed, and Joe and Rolly settled in for the night.

Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. Joe and Rolly left without saying goodbye. They made it safely to the mountains and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

Nine months later, Joe got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that Rolly and he had met on the ski weekend

He dropped in on Rolly at the coffee bar and asked, "Rolly, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Of course, I do." retorted Rolly.

"I am just curious," stated Joe. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, while I was fast asleep, and go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yeah, I confess" Rolly sheepishly replied, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name," continued Joe with his questioning, "instead of telling her your real name?"

Rolly's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, old buddy. I'm afraid I did. By the way, what brought this up? In other words, why do you ask?"

"She just died," declared Joe, "and left me everything in her will."

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

One day, Jimmy Jack was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'

Tammie give it to me' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jack, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck! '


'Bubba, yo're a smart man!Them clothes woulda never fit you!'

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, after finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later the Indianapolis Star reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Lafayette, Indiana, Henry, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Henry has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Indiana had already gone wireless".

Hoosiers are such a proud bunch.

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money:
fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'


Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..'

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

Sally is my kind of girl!

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

Lu Lu 'i' see 'U' didn't so ('i') will.
These are all[shadow=red,left,300] " Lu Lu " [/shadow]jokes.
She's got some dozzies!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





From the U.K.:
Police in London found a bomb outside a mosque ....
They told the public not to panic as they'd managed to push it inside.



During a night of high winds, an African family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."


Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind. As a result, Crimewatch is now being shown 5 times a week now.

There was recent story in the newspaper about a dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?!?!


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"


I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman an asshole.


Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but pass the parcel was quick!!!
---------------
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. At the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, through the clouds to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where there is another man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son... I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!"
—--------------
On a recent visit to the middle east, Hilary Clinton's security people had to take special measures to protect her. They decided she should travel under a Muslim name -- Seldom bin Laid.

--------------
A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter asks, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female."
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White."
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy responds, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
--------------
A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog
was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we
get airborne,when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said,
'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down,walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said,
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's
arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm
making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for
a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the
middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he
asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers One

Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's
with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers Six


Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, " You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The other says, "Why is that?"
The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."




God was missing for six days. Eventually,
> Michael, the archangel, found him, resting
> on the seventh day.
>
> He inquired, "Where have you been?"
> God smiled and proudly pointed downward through
> the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
>
> Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What
> is it?"
>
> "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life
> on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a
> place to test Balance."
>
> "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
> God explained, pointing to different parts of
> Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place
> of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe
> is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent
> of white people, and over there is a continent of black
> people. Balance in all things."
>
> God continued pointing to different countries.
> "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be
> very cold and covered in ice."
>
> The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then
> pointed to a green spot and said, "What's that one?"
>
> "That's Oregon, the most glorious place on earth.
> There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,
> forests, hills, and plains. The people from Oregon are going
> to be beautiful, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they
> are going to travel the world.
>
> They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
> achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
>
> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
> asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would
> be balance."
>
> God smiled, "I will create Washington, DC. Wait
> till you see the idiots I put there."
>

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

Benefits of Tea





A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a cup of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.
I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "Well, in all honesty,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, It's not the Tea itself,,,,
It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?"

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

Amish at the Mall



A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

us.mg5.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f1163%5fAIZYimIAAOx%2bTUwQFAeuhmlGvc0&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1[

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,

I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,

a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

'Go get your Mother.'

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

If 'U' already heard it just ignore me!:


A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Hoosier Hillbilly]

How observant are you ?



A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'

The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.' 'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'