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Post by LuLu on Sept 20, 2013 23:26:19 GMT -5
The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.
Little Doris was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Doris, who created the universe?'
When Doris didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Doris.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Doris, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Doris didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Doris.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Doris fell back asleep..
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Doris jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted !
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Sept 26, 2013 5:56:49 GMT -5
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Sept 26, 2013 5:57:05 GMT -5
My new homestead:  |
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Oct 17, 2013 14:39:09 GMT -5
My wife's on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie. All I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my fault; I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as my wife likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for quite a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide together yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.So I thought, "Screw it; I'll soldier on!"
I woke up at 8:00 this morning starving! I went downstairs and found my wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I had slept with. I replied, "Only you; the others wouldn't let me sleep!"
My wife packed my bags and said, "Get Out!!!" As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay!
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Post by LuLu on Oct 17, 2013 17:21:21 GMT -5
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth....
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Jul 20, 2014 14:02:42 GMT -5
Senior Lemon Picker us-mg5.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f237550%5fAMy%2bimIAABEiU8velgAAAAkdWLg&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. Applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove, she seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chrysler's and voted for Obama." |
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Nov 13, 2014 13:36:17 GMT -5
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWrj9TaA0McA pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
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Post by Hoosier Hillbilly on Jan 20, 2016 6:39:20 GMT -5
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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